Quiz time!

This really comes as no surprise:

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

And frankly, as several lucky ladies out there can attest:

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Decision time last night

I really don't intend for this site to provide any useful commentary on gender differences but something happened to me last night that really seems interesting to me in hindsight. I had just gotten home, it's around 10:00 PM and I'm starving. I look in the freezer and see something that I know will satisfy, corn dogs. I pop two of them in the microwave (the oven would make them taste better but it would take way too long). There's about 2 seconds left on the timer, my plate with mustard and ketchup is all set to go, and they smell great. Just at that moment, my cell phone starts ringing. An attractive woman that I was going to ask out (of course she said yes) is returning my earlier message to her. For a moment, I was actually tempted to let her go to voice mail just so I could eat my dinner when it was hot and fresh. Of course I decided to pick up but I was tempted. I'm not ashamed to admit it: I am a man who loves a good corn dog.

Time will tell if I made the right choice.

Whom to cheer for?

For those of you who are undecided about whom to cheer for in the upcoming Superbowl, I the following picture of typical fans from each team. After viewing them, ask yourself: Which one do I associate more closely with? Let your conscience be your guide.




Typical Bears fan


















A Colts fan on a hot summer day in central Indiana



















Another typical Bears fan.



















And if you're still not decided, just cheer for the Bears because this kid hates Peyton Manning.

UPDATE

I asked about an "expert" about Saddam's half-brother's accidental decapitation and he was no help. He said that he was unfamiliar with the concept and didn't know how much force would be required to pop a head off like a child might do to a dandelion.


Future executioners

My "expert" is still only a med student so I'm going to cut him some slack. I'm guessing that this particular information is gained through on the job training.

A silver lining

The plague has been circulating through my office. I thought I was done with it earlier this week but it seems to be coming back. Thankfully, my symptoms aren't as severe as some of my co-workers.

There always seems to be something going around making people sick, which I think should serve as some consolation to those of us who are coughing and sneezing. You'd hate to go to the doctor, describe your symptoms, then watch as he sat back, looked at you with a grave expression, and said "Normally I'd suspect a cold, but there's nothing going around. Not a single thing. I think you'd better get your affairs in order."

Dr. Phil can fix anything

The Editor is out sick today with a bad case of arachnoid cysts so I'm bored. That means more YouTube clips! Here Dr. Phil counsels Peyton Manning and Tom Brady on their troubled relationship.

Box in a Box

I suppose this was unavoidable. The response to A Dick in Box:

Quiet Riot is wrong, Don't Bang Your Head!

This interesting item about Saddam Hussein's half-brother really got me thinking. Until now I had been unaware that it was possible for your head to simply "snap off." Did the guy know that his head was loose before they got him up there? Just how much force is required for your head to pop off like a champaign cork? I plan on asking a doctor these questions later in the week and I'll report my findings.

The story lead me to a rather unusual train of thought. If I were in his situation (about to be executed), how would I want to go? Most people would choose a quiet, dignified ending. Fuck that. These people are are going to kill me so why not gross the hell out of them for their trouble and possibly leave them emotionally scarred for life?

I'm reminded of what Davy Crockett supposedly said at the Alamo just before he was executed by General Santa Anna. “I'm warning you boys, I'm a screamer.”

I am Dr Gaius Baltar

What New Battlestar Galactica character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Dr Gaius Baltar. You have betrayed humanity, for a blonde. However you'd rather people learnt to just get past that. After all, you never meant wipe out the human race. Luckily you are cleverer than everyone else, so no one will ever know. Even though they look at you with suspicion behind their eyes.

What New Battlestar Galactica character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Dr Gaius Baltar 75% Number 6 69% CPO Galen Tyrol 69% Capt. Lee Adama (Apollo) 69% Commander William Adama 56% Lt. Sharon Valerii (Boomer) 56% President Laura Roslin 50% Col. Saul Tigh 50% Lt. Kara Thrace (Starbuck) 44% Tom Zarek 25% What New Battlestar Galactica character are you? created with QuizFarm.com

Al Bundy at his finest

The 4 Cats

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet...........



Ate the cookies...............



Drank the milk..............



Sh*t on the paper....................



Screwed the other three cats....................



Claimed he injured his back while doing so..................



Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.........



Put in for Workers Compensation..............and



Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............!!!!!!!!!!

Must Love Jaws

I can't figure out why Must Love Jaws from the previous post isn't displaying so here's this link at YouTube

Mash-ups

Some very creative people with perhaps too much time on their hands have re-edited some classic tv shows and movies so that they tell a very different type of story. Here are some of my favorites:
Seinfeld: Re-Cut as a Horror Flick
Mary Poppins trailer, re-cut as a horror film
Dumb and Dumber... horrorized

"Jaws" but as a comedy
"Must Love Jaws"


Friday the 13th as a romantic teen comedy


The Shining but this time as a nice family film

Gender differences

I have a feeling that the vast majority of my (female) co-workers wouldn't understand just why this video is so funny.

Lunch at the office

I work almost exclusively with women. I don't work in a field that is obviously female dominated, it's just how it worked out here. Anyway, the other day I had lunch with some of my peers, all women. Seemingly unavoidably, the topic of conversation eventually turned to babies and then to hair care. I had absolutely nothing to add to this conversation and I had no choice other than to simply wait it out. I imagine this is what Kevin Federline would feel like at a Mensa convention.

It's time to meet Sexy Rexy

Big Daddy Drew from Kissing Suzy Kolber is one of the funniest sports writers I know. A while back he channeled Chicago Bears QB Rex Grossman and delivered this classic piece. Well, he's done it again. Enjoy! Sexy Rexy responds to a piece written by columnist Rachel Nichols. A highlight:

If I had a dime for every woman that tried to get into my head, to explain why Sexy Rexy does what he does, I'd be a rich man. Of course, I'm already a rich man. So what does that tell you? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to turn you on more. I can't seem to stop the sex from emanating out of my body and right into your fallopian tubes. Sorry about that.

Read the rest.

An SNL instant classic

I just can't get tired of this SNL clip. It's the perfect gift for that certain someone special, a dick in a box

My Sunday afternoon moment of terror

A person I know who works in retail once told me that when a person's credit card is rejected it almost always means that the person doesn't have sufficient funds. The person of course asks the cashier to double check, that of course there must be some sort of mistake. Perhaps a problem with the card or the machine. I was told by this person that this is never the case. With that in mind, picture me at Target purchasing among other things several mouse traps. The total comes to $95.11. Onto my Visa it goes, which automatically deducts from my checking account. Then it happens. The cashier says, "I'm sorry, your card has been rejected." There really is no way to save face in this situation. Unless someone has stolen my card info, this is impossible. I mutter something about that being really strange and give the cashier an alternate card which works. As I walk out to my car my mind is racing. Has someone stolen all my money? I thought I had several thousand in there but I haven't balanced my account in a while, could I be that off? I picture what debtors prison looks like as I call up my bank from my call phone while in the privacy of my car. My account is what it should be and I'm not going to jail. I'm working with an automated machine so I don't find out if it's my card or the system that is the problem. The card worked fine about an hour later at the grocery store so I figure it must have been Target's fault or maybe some temporary system glitch with the bank. Still, the realization that I'm not completely broke (not counting educational loans, of course) put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

The 7-year rule

My dad just relayed some interesting advice that his father once shared. Essentially it was that you should date someone 7 years younger than yourself. This should go without saying, this rule applies only to men. The other way around is just gross.

Beating a dead horse

I found this funny picture at boston.com



Apparently the town of Sheboygan, WI had a law that required people to stay with their dead horses until they could be picked up and disposed. I so wish that top hats like came back into fashion.

Resolutions

I heard once that writing out your goals or New Years resolutions increases your odds of sticking to them. I've never actually made a resolution so I can't really say how hard that really is but here are a few anyway:

• Straight As this semester. I've come close in the past but it would feel damn good to see that on a report card at least once in my live (other than grad school which I don't count)
  
• Finally learning to play the guitar well. That stupid thing has moved with me at least 6 times and I figured that it's about time it becomes something other than an expensive decoration for my room
• Stop saying mean things about people. This one could hurt, both physically and mentally. It's only Jan 4th and I've already nearly bitten through my tongue

There's one or 2 more that I've been tossing around in my head but I don't feel like sharing them in a public forum right now.

The following are officially on notice

A promise

I'm going to try to post a funny story or joke every day that I post something. There is a good chance that the Editor will be a frequent inspiration for this thing so lets start with her. Today she shared with me the fact that when she first heard my ex had a birthday in October, thus a Scorpio, she and her husband knew the relationship was doomed. As they are both incredibly smart and sophisticated people, this was like hearing that my older brother still believes in the Easter Bunny.

Update

Well, I already caved and told the ex that I wanted her to keep the gift. That sure didn't take long. I was hoping my resolve would last longer than 6 hours. I can't decide if I'm just trying to be a good guy or I'm actually a sucker. Either way, this may negatively impact my proposed writing project. Damn.

Change is in the air

I'm contemplating a format change to this blog. About a year ago the Editor suggested that I document my dating experiences. I quickly lost steam but I did have a couple of chapters done and I even had a working title: "Confessions of an online bachelor." I had met several girls on my own but I decided to expand the net by giving eharmony a try. Don't judge me. Anyway, the gist of it was that I was going to write down any weird or interesting stories from the dating world. I was fresh off a long-term relationship so this dating thing seemed new to me and I was willing to try just about anything. I remember that I had a good story about taking one girl to the demolition derby. I was only mildly interested in doing that but I really wanted to see if I could get away with it and not have the girl lose interest. Sure enough, I could.

Another story I had involved wandering the isles of my local grocery story looking for my favorite brand of soap or something. An female store employee in her 60s saw me walking around and directed me towards the condoms, assuming that that must be what I was after. I really didn't know how to interpret that. It was nearly Saturday night after all. I couldn't tell if she was being funny or if she honestly thought that was what I was after.

That was how it was supposed to go. Unfortunately, I met a girl I thought I liked and decided to stop. Also, I was feeling a bit bad about what I was doing. Recent events have caused me to rethink this whole thing. Without going in to too much detail, I've gotten screwed badly several times recently and I did nothing to deserve it. Yes, I know everyone says that but I swear it's true. And therein lies my idea. Maybe it's time to start acting in a way that would make the treatment I've been getting make sense? I'm not sure that I have it in me but about an hour ago I told my new ex-girlfriend to not only return a sweatshirt that she borrowed from be but to return a graduation/Christmas gift as well. Classy, I know. But it was expensive and I don't want her to have it anymore.

I really doubt this is the direction I'll go with this thing. I probably just need some time to calm down a bit. However, I do think that documenting this adventure here could be fun. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Free again

Once again I find myself a single man. That means it will be necessary for me to once again break out my tried and true pick up lines. Among my favorites:

• If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.
• You must be a parking ticket because you've got fine written all over you.
• Said to 2 girls at once: Hey there, I don't want to come between you...or do I?

They each work magic.

Text message greetings

I don't always like getting text messages. They sometimes are very useful but often it seems like just talking on the phone would be much faster and more enjoyable than the time it takes to type in your message and any responses. (A personal story was edited out. Long story short: texting can send a very mixed message).

I don't know how I just got sidetracked but my point is that I was just trading text messages with some guy who from his area code is in southern California. He had written me a nice message wishing me a happy new year. I'm in Boston and I have no idea who this guy is. This was my first wrongly dialed text message. Still, I appreciated the thought. So, happy new years Cory from So Cal.

A joke from last night

I heard this one from a fellow party goer last night: A father is taking his young son for a walk through the park. The son sees a couple of dogs mating. The son asks his dad what they are doing. The dad replies, "They're making puppies." That evening the son catches his parents together in their bedroom doing what parents sometimes do. The son asks his dad what he is doing. The dad says "We're making you a brother." The son cries out, "I don't want a brother. Turn mom over, I want puppies instead!"

Thoughts on New Years

Due to an unfortunate turn of events (although not entirely unexpected) it was necessary to make a change to my plans for New Years. Luckily I had already been invited to a party that was hosted by my friends, the Serbs, so I didn't spend the evening alone or forced into calling up some of my 2nd or 3rd tier friends to see what they were doing. All in all, it was a very nice night.
What happened when the clock struck midnight and the ball dropped in Times Square took me by surprise. Apparently the Serbs have a tradition where you kiss everyone 3 times on the cheek. Even the guys. Unaware of this, I was going to shake hands with Mr. Serb and wish him him a happy new year when all of a sudden he's moving in like an over eager prom date.
Truth be told, there was someone I much rather would have kissed around midnight but I suppose that sometimes you have to take what you can get. Lesson learned.

Welcome!

Welcome to my small contribution to the internet and workplace inefficiency. I figured that I waste enough time reading other people's sites that maybe I should finally get one of my own. Here I'll try to post links to interesting stories and jokes that I happen to come across. Also, I'll probably post some stories from my personal life although this will never turn into any sort of diary. A warning to any unfortunate reader, editing for clarity and content will be done at a bare minimum.